Family Life

Yesterday began with a productive carpet cleaning session, laundry, playing on the floor with the baby and a bit of sewing. It ended with baby vomiting at the pinewood derby, a broken toilet, and 9-year-old boy grumpiness & attitude.

In between were some regular family-life moments: cooking and feeding dinner, encouraging/nagging homework to be done, hugs, kisses, daily battle with managing electronic time, yada, yada, yada.

I received some pretty direct counsel/chastising from heaven about how better to deal with the good and the bad of family life; mostly about how to deal with the bad & frustrating without making everyone's life miserable. It came in the form of Jacob 6:7 :For behold, after ye have been nourished by the good word of God all the day long, will ye bring forth evil fruit? . . .

It is my tendency to become a bit hot-tempered, and grumpy when things don't run smoothly. Since family life has a tendency to not run smoothly at least once per day, this isn't a great equation for peace in the home. Fortunately I'm married to someone who already recognizes the benefit of handling problems in a calm, even-tempered manner and he is my best example of that each day. I am a slow learner, but this divine instruction has me looking at my grumpiness in a different way. I don't want to be the bringer of evil fruit in my home, especially because I truly do feel nourished all day long by the good word of God.

A few opening thoughts

Since I haven't posted anything on this blog in four months, the continuity of writing and sharing has been a bit lost, so I feel as if I am starting again. Hence, the title of this post. 

So, I will just attempt to start again, as I do miss writing and sharing publicly. Most of the recent writing in my life has been in a scripture journal, which has become my most prized possession. Through this writing I am learning about my own personal weaknesses, God's promises to me and others, what I can do to improve my family on a daily basis, and how the Lord wants me to change in ways that are not easy for me at all.

I recently wrote and delivered a talk about how to really find peace in our lives. One of the scriptures I used in this talk: Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid, found in John 14:27, reminded me of why daily personal scripture study is so vital if we want to find success in raising our families. 

On our trip to Utah to visit family after Christmas, we were involved in an accident just past Baker City, OR on Highway 84 where our van slid on black ice, spun around and hit backwards on the guard rail. Those moments when we were spinning were unbelievably humbling, as I had no idea how it would end, and I fully expected to see the side of the car crumple on my children in the back seat. Fortunately, we were very blessed, and most of the damage to the van was down low, since it was a short guard rail, and none of the damage was to the engine at all, so the car could still be driven.

The passenger's side back window, however, shattered due to the impact, and the glass landed all over my most fragile, anxious child, 7-year-old Owen. Because we weren't sure what to do in those minutes following the accident, we ended up sitting in the van for about an hour talking to various family members and roadside assistance. During the first 20 minutes, Owen could not be comforted. All the boys were shaken, nervous, and unsure, but Owen was the one who was whimpering and crying and kept saying all the things I was thinking in my mind, but was trying to replace with positive thoughts. Things like, "I don't want to be here anymore, I just want to go home. I wish this never happened. I'm freezing. I hate this, I hate this." 

It was freezing, as you can imagine. None of us wanted to be there, as you can imagine. We all wished it hadn't happened, and I also had some real moments where my heart was very troubled and afraid. We had said a prayer pleading for help just after we hit, but Owen still continued to cry and whine. I was feeling so helpless, and finally this scripture popped into my head. I sat with him and talked quietly about this promise that Jesus made while he walked on the earth. I believe He means it; He really does not want us to have a troubled, afraid heart in these difficult moments. 

Owen said his own little prayer, putting faith in that glorious promise of peace, and almost immediately we experienced the first of many miracles on our journey through this difficult trip. Peace filled his heart, the kind of peace that can only come from heaven, the kind of peace a mother would like to give to her child, but physically cannot. In that moment, when I watched his whole countenance change from trouble to peace, I have never been more grateful for Christ, and the real promises of His gospel.

The weeks that followed were very trying for our family: illness, freezing cold temperatures, having to borrow family members' cars while on vacation, and knowing we still had to drive home on the same icy roads. They were filled with many moments of trouble and fear that entered our hearts at different times. We were also surrounded by family who helped and served us in every way, priesthood blessings, and lots of love and support from friends back home.

The story is not over. Our van is still stuck in freezing cold Utah being repaired, but we were safe on our journey home in a rental van -although it included diarrhea, lots of slowing down for icy conditions, and a snowstorm at the very end. I have tried my very best to focus on the blessings received through a difficult experience, and know that more blessings are waiting out there until the story really ends and our car is back safely in the garage again.

Mercy

In parenting, if I have learned anything, it is that you learn as you go. I find myself at each new stage with growing children feeling challenged, frustrated, and looking for any help in any form.

One thing with which I struggle is in finding the balance between having high expectations for my children, but also showing mercy when they fall short of those expectations. Being mortal, they are not perfect, and will fall short. I cannot reasonably expect that they will even go through one day without making a mistake. None of us will. We all live life trying our very best, while making many, many mistakes along the way.

When I find myself in a specific parenting challenge that seems impossible, I try to stop and think about how I am parented from above. How does my Heavenly Father handle this situation with me, his child? God, being God, is bound to high expectations and standards. He cannot deviate from these, and expects his children to follow. But He is also endlessly merciful and patient, and wants in every situation to extend this mercy and patience to his children.

These quotes by Joseph Smith, found here, (pg. 428), give me great insight into this struggle:
"God does not look on sin with allowance, but when men have sinned, there must be allowance made for them."
"There should be no license for sin, but mercy should go hand-in-hand with reproof"


This taught me to see that I can and need to set high expectations for my children in our home and in their lives, but when they fall short (and they will), I need to be forgiving, merciful, & long-suffering, just as God is with me.


"I do not dwell upon your faults, and you shall not upon mine. Charity, which is love, covereth a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8)

Firmness & Boldness

In Mormon chapter 2, we read about a group of Nephites who are in the midst of fighting many battles with their enemies.These particular Nephites were a wicked and unbelieving group, living in the city of Shem, being led by the young & righteous army leader/prophet, Mormon, when, in verse 22, it says, ". . .they (the Lamanites, their enemies) began to come upon us again."

This word again, really stood out to me as significant, because it made me realize that, just as these Nephites had faced the same types of battles with the Lamanites over and over again, so do I face the same kinds of battles in my own life over and over again. Some of my most recent battles include:

1. discouragement (I recently wrote about waging a war against it, but I haven't won the war yet)
2. confusion about how to raise & nurture my children in a challenging world
3. being overwhelmed at the sheer amount of: food that needs to be planned, bought, put away, cooked, served & cleaned up daily, clothes that need to be washed, folded & put away daily, children that need, demand & deserve individual attention daily, and many, many other tasks that face me every single day.

I know that it is valid and perfectly normal to feel these things, but it is not okay to allow myself to be beat up, daily, by these challenges. So what can I do about it?

What did the Nephites do, even in their state of ignorance and willful disobedience?

They looked to their righteous leader, Mormon, who, in verse 23 says, "I did speak unto my people and did urge them with great energy that they would stand boldly before the Lamanites and fight for their wives, and their children, and their houses and their homes."

v.24 - 25: "and my words did arouse them somewhat to vigor. . .that they did not flee from before the Lamanites, but did stand with boldness against them. .  .and we did stand before them with such firmness that they did flee from before us.

My ability to stand before these particular challenges with firmness & boldness, and look to my leader, Jesus Christ, for encouragement and strength will be the determining factor in the way I face these battles and not allow them to beat me. I know that as I choose to do things each day that will bring peace to my heart, I will be:

1. energized & happy in the face of discouragement
2. given specific instructions through the spirit to know how to help & encourage each of my children in their specific needs and situations
3. blessed with the ability to see mundane tasks as essential & necessary for an organized, Christ-centered home, and to see that completing them, daily, with happiness is a great way to serve those in my home.

Wage a war against discouragement

Six hours into this work day and I'm feeling like I chose the wrong career. This feeling is not new--evidenced by the pages of frustrations recorded over the years in my journal, this feeling is a frequent visitor. Potty training failures, trying to dry laundry with a dryer held together by duct tape, hearing my name spoken a minimum of 100 times just this morning, and rushing the three littles into their clothes and to the school to cheer on the oldest in a battle of books competition, only to hear "why did you even come, mom?" are just a few of the items contributing to this today.

I know that discouragement is a strategy of He who wishes to see us fail, and sadly, it is effective in accomplishing what He desires: that is, to make us feel angry, depressed, selfish and irritable and like our lives are horrible.

I also know that this is just not true. My life is wonderful, and I am thrilled and blessed each day with the family and things that surround me. So, today and in the days to come, in my moments of selfishness, when all I want to do is lace up my Sauconys, turn up my ipod and run away, I will remember that I did not choose this job to bask in my selfishness and wish for more moments to do only what I want. I chose it, though I didn't know it at the time, to learn about that essential attribute of godliness: UN-selfishness.

Today and everyday I will wage a war on discouragement. I will choose to believe the words and feelings poured into my soul during my moments of scripture reading and meditation that this work is so important, that I am loved, that I am forgiven, and that my failures will be made strengths. I will choose to believe the words of living prophets when they tell me to "be thankful for all the small successes in your home, your family relationships, your education and livelihood, your Church participation and personal improvement. . .these successes may seem tiny to you and they may go unnoticed by others, but God notices them and they are not small to Him."

I will accept that many more days like this are up ahead, but I will dig deep, pray hard and win.